Portrait of (Dorian) Prince:

For a long time I kept this portrait of Prince up in my attic. I think it was given to me right around the time that "Dirty Mind" was first gaining popularity. Initially, I couldn't figure out where to hang it, and soon after, it was forgotten. The only thing that made me think of it recently was the fact that I had stopped aging, now for about twenty years. For a while I thought it was just New York City, keeping me young, but when I got to Oxford, I started to suspect that something else was up.

So, I called my mom in Pittsburgh, and had her take the painting out of the attic for hanging above their (my parents') bed. She obliged, but called me a few days later in a panic.

Apparently, after just two nights, Prince had started to look creepy, hanging there above the bed. Mom said she couldn't sleep soundly, and that Dad was now snoring twice as loud as usual. By day three, the face in the painting apparently looked not at all like the Prince of old, once seen riding a unicorn on the back cover of his second, self-titled album. Instead, his moustache was now gone, and, according to a close friend of the family, Simeon "Zahl", Prince's eyes now gleamed with the eerie gaze of a Scientologist(!),...or was it a Seventh Day Adventist? I can't remember which...

Anyway, as a consequence of all of this rigmarole, Mom told me that the painting had to come down from their bedroom wall, and also, that I had to grow up.

Below is a photo of the sudden transformation that has occurred in my room at 2 Norham Gardens during the last three days. I am so pissed! --JAZ